今天天氣晴朗，陽光充沛，氣溫回升。早上醒來，聽見滿世界都是滴滴答答化雪的聲音。這會是我們嶄新的一天？
按照計劃，今天要去給母親買藥，她患有克羅恩病，每天都要依賴德國進口的藥物美沙拉嗪及思密達、曲美布汀等藥物維持病情。這些藥一般藥店沒有，要到距離本人住處約十多個公汽站的黃石路漢口大藥房去買。徒步行走約需四五十分鐘。一個人在空蕩蕩的水泥城市穿行四五十分鐘也是挺嚇人的。以往作為重症患者，我母親和其他的重症病友一樣都是到政府社保處指定的市中心醫院就診，每月2到3次，藥費有部分減免，但現在不行了，只能自己想辦法。
與前幾日一樣，居民進出小區要出示出入證，登記，測體溫。在目前的情況下幾乎沒人會沒事兒出來閑逛，出入小區的人總是有迫不得已的原因，而由此與管控人員發生沖突也往往事出有因，也許僅僅是彼此間言辭不當就搞得不愉快甚至成為仇人。當然任何時候都會有些特殊的人，他們就好像在一片悲痛中突然冒出的笑聲，我們覺得刺耳，有人卻能從中發現常人意識不到的問題。寬與嚴之間的度如何把握，理論上可以討論，現實卻可能是一團亂麻。可能就是因為一句話，守門的人就給了出門的人一個巴掌，挨巴掌的人就開始准備著要弄死那個守門人，當然情況反過來也是如此。衡量現實生活中的形形色色，需要的是我們的良知，這是基礎，我覺得良知是理性的基礎。但如果基礎在一天天的敗壞，而且這敗壞由來已久乃至成為傳統，我們又該怎麼辦？能夠怎麼辦？
這幾天一躺下就做噩夢，有次夢見一個穿制服的人拽著一具屍體的腳踝在過道上拖行，旁人喊：你們怎麼這樣，你們怎麼能這樣！那人卻說：袋子已經沒有了，能怎麼辦？那些歲月靜好的人不知道什麼是地獄，其實人心就是地獄。在良知喪失的那一刻地獄就會接納我們。如果我們把人當做人，把生命當做生命，如果，如果.....，太多的如果，那麼悲劇可能就不會發生，或者人們所承受的痛苦就不會這麼重。我說的是我們，是的，就是我們，就是我們這些千千萬萬百姓所維護的，認可的，自覺忍受的........
什麼是真相，當你不具有知道真相的權利時，真相就不存在！真的沒有真相，一部二十四史，你要從中尋找真相，只能是一頭霧水。三國演義我們倒是耳熟能詳，可那是小說，小說中的諸葛亮永遠妖裏妖氣，指東說西。咋整。
作家方方說，我們的市長其實是個老實人，也很不容易。我同意，也認可。但是，有什麼卵用。確實，人的一生很多時候都是身不由己，如身處濁流，被裹挾，被吞沒，但這濁流可能是你自己心甘情願跳入的，還可能是你一生所夢寐以求的。我們多數人在多數時候真的是把毒藥當蜜糖去追求，把朽木當做棟梁去仰慕.....
所以說，底線很重要。底線來自哪裏，來自良知？但人也會出賣良知給魔鬼。一個真正的基督徒會出賣對上帝承諾？人性不可靠，人一刻也離不開神！
為早點兒趕到藥店，一大早就去社區請假，聯系社區的的士司機。我們在這樣的一座空城------其實裏面蟄伏著一千多萬個人，幾乎是一路暢通，但到達藥店才看見藥店門口已經排起長長的隊伍，大致數了一下，我前面已經有三十多人，即便如此，大約十幾分鐘後我的身後又增加了二三十人。前來買藥的人不斷增加，隊伍挪動慢得令人難以忍受。人們不停地發著牢騷，但也有人趁著現在看來顯得異常簡單的陽光開始高談闊論。他們說到日本的疫情，又說到印度如何的窮，醫療條件如何差得出奇等等。就這樣捱著，到中午11時30時終於輪到了我，可美沙拉嗪這款主要的藥卻賣完了，沒了。咋整。沒辦法，只有再到其他藥店去打聽，碰運氣。好在上次我多買了一盒，還可以讓母親應付十來天。
買個藥，在平日最簡單的事情，居然花去我們整個上午。由此也可以想象，社區那二三十號工作者如何應對得了整個社區幾千戶家庭，如何能保證提供不說完善哪怕是最必要的服務，更何況社區還有排查、消毒、篩選發熱病人、上報各種數據等等任務。完成不了的任務你卻非要他去完成，結果會如何呢。而且社區工作者還在減員，如我們這個社區在大年初一夜間就有一位工作人員發熱被送進醫院，至今沒能出院。幾個年輕人嚇得辭了職。當然事情也有例外，照理說在這種情況下政府派遣到社區的的士司機應該很是忙碌，但事實上他們多數時間還是比較清閑，出車的任務並不是太多，主要原因大概是現在放寬了私家車出行的規定。事實上從一開始，司機們因害怕感染就拒絕接送發熱病人，如此讓病人家屬自己開車接送病人也就是唯一的辦法了。當然也有些居民不想求社區，很多事都自己解決。
在來回的路上，我們發現一個現象，數日前還隨處可見的鳥兒，最多的是麻雀，現在竟然都銷聲匿跡。我連一只都沒有看見，難道是近日政府部門搞全面消毒尤其給空氣消毒造成的？
在我的感受中，鳥，給這座封閉的城市帶來了一些生機，也使這座城市顯得更空曠寂靜，但現在我看不見他們........
（武漢的街道）
（等待買藥的市民和空蕩的街道）
SUNDAY, FEB. 16, 2020
It was a sunny day, with plenty of sunshine, and the temperature was getting warmer. I woke up in the morning to the sound of melting snow dripping. Will this be a new day for us?
As planned, today I must buy medicine for my mother. She has Crohn's disease and must rely on drugs imported from Germany such as Mesalazine, Simethicone and Trimethoprim. She took pills every day to maintain her condition. Unfortunately, these drugs are not available in general pharmacies, so I had to go to the Hankou Pharmacy on Huangshi Road, about ten bus stops away from where I live. The walk takes about 40 to 50 minutes. It is scary to walk alone for 40 to 50 minutes in an empty concrete city. In the past, as a seriously ill patient, my mother, like other seriously ill patients, went to the central hospital designated by the government's social security office two to three times a month with partial remission of medical costs. Now she can no longer do that and has to find her way.
As in previous days, residents have to show their passes, register their identities, take their body temperature, and leave and enter the building. In the current situation, almost no one will be free to wander out. People who enter and exit the gate of apartment buildings always have a compelling reason to do so. The conflicts with the checkpoint staff often have a reason, perhaps simply because of improper words between each other. Of course, at all times, there will be some special people who are like a sudden burst of laughter during grief. Some people can find problems that ordinary people do not realize. How to grasp the degree between leniency and strictness can be discussed in theory but the reality may be a mess. It may be that because of oral fighting, the person guarding the door then slapped the person leaving the gate. The person who was slapped wanted to kill the security guard. To measure the reality of life, we need our conscience, which is our moral compass. I think
conscience is the basis of reason. But the foundation is deteriorating day by day. This deterioration has been long-standing and has even become a norm. What should we do?! What can we do?!
When I lie down in bed these days, I always have nightmares. Once I dreamt that a man in uniform was dragging a corpse down the aisle by the ankles. The man said: "The body bags are finished. What can I do?" Those unaffected by this pandemic do not know what the hell is. The human heart could be hell. The moment our conscience is lost, hell will accept us. If we treat people as people and treat life as life, then there are too many what-ifs, then tragedies might not happen, or people would not suffer so much. I'm talking about us, yes, us, the millions of us who have defended, approved, and consciously endured the dictatorship.
What is the truth? When you don't have the right to know the truth, the truth doesn't exist! There is no truth, a twenty-four-volume Chronicle of History, if you want to look for the truth from it, you will be very disappointed. We are familiar with the Stories of the Three Kingdoms. Zhuge Liang, in the novel, is always demonic, pointing east when talking about the west.
Writer Fang Fang said that: "Our mayor is an honest man, and it's not easy for him to handle the Covid-19 pandemic. I agree. I also recognized that. But what's the point? It's true that many times in a person's life, they can't save themselves, such as being in a turbid current, being swallowed up, but this turbid current may be what you willingly jump into, and it may also be what you have dreamed of all your life. Unfortunately, most of us are pursuing poison as honey and admiring rotten wood as a pillar most of the time. Therefore, the bottom line is essential. Where does the bottom line come from? From the conscience? The man might also sell his conscience to the devil…. Would a faithful Christian betray his commitment to God? Human nature is unreliable. Therefore, a man should never separate himself from God, even for a second!"
In order to get to the pharmacy earlier, I went to the community center early in the morning and asked for a leave. Then I contacted the cab drivers in the community center. We were in an empty city like this --- where more than 10 million people were lurking. The cab moved smoothly like a boat sailing in the ocean. When we arrived at the pharmacy, there was already a long line at the entrance. After a rough count, there were more than 30 people in front of me. About 10 minutes later, there were another 20 to 30 people behind me. The line was moving unbearably slow as the number of people coming to buy medicine kept increasing. Some people kept complaining but others started talking. They talked about the Covid-19 pandemic in Japan, how bad India's situation is, how the medical conditions are so bad, etc. I finally got my turn at 11:30 am, but Mesalazine, the primary drug I was looking for, was sold out. I had no choice but to go to other pharmacies to inquire and try my luck. The good thing is that I bought an extra box last time, so my mother can still have it for about ten days.
It took me the whole morning to buy medicine which is the simplest thing to do on a typical day. You can't imagine how those 20 to 30 workers in the community center cope with the thousands of families in the community. Their duties include providing even the most essential services, not to mention the tasks of an exhaustive search of non-Covid victims, screening febrile patients, reporting various data, and so on. When asking people to complete tasks that they
（The street of Wuhan）
cannot completed, what will be the result? For example, in our community service center, a staff member was admitted to the hospital with a fever on the night of the first day of New Year. He has not been discharged. Several young people were so frightened that they quit their jobs. Of course, there are exceptions. It is reasonable to say that the cab drivers sent to the community service center by the government should be very busy in such circumstances, but they are still relatively free most of the time. The task of driving is not too much. The main reason probably is that private cars are allowed to travel now. In fact, from the beginning, drivers refused to transport febrile patients for fear of infection, so the only solution was to let the patients' families drive themselves to and from the hospital. Also, some residents do not want to ask the community service center for help. Many problems are solved by themselves.
On the way back and forth, we found that a few days ago, there were birds everywhere, most of them were sparrows, but now they have disappeared. I didn't even see one… Is it the consequence of the current government's comprehensive disinfection plan, especially targeting the air?
In my opinion, the birds have brought some Vitality to this city and sometimes make the city appear empty and silent, but now I can't see them ...
（The street of Wuhan）
